“Take it all back to have you”….

The man entered the lobby of the hotel…
outside of his office..
swerving his arms dancing as if he was an eagle..
gliding

joy on his face
it was four days before Christmas.
I stayed there overnight in a random town close to Detroit
on my way to Toronto.

I heard the catchy tune of the banjo in the background….
as he mouthed..
to no one in particular..
“take it all back, take it all back… take it all back to have you…”.

I felt his joy.
exuberant.
loving.
delight.

I thought it was a new Christmas song out that I had not heard.
I left to continue my road trip…..
with many stories behind each stop.. (for another time)
as I encircled lake Erie..
at the dawn of the winter Hurricane.

Weeks later,
waiting in line at a coffee shop
In a place very far away…
the radio plays…
“take it all back, take it all back… take it all back to have you…”.

and I see the swirling man
again in my mind’s eye
as if he was transported there

I feel the smile inside out
at the circle of life things
that make it all worthwhile.

Days later I am reminded of the connection

I then listen to the song in full
and feel such resonance
for the melody as millions of others had
behind the sparks of divinity and love
that created it…

and I know without a doubt
that every expression
of yours and of mine…

— as an instrument of the infinite

of the … most high love
and joy
and grace and beauty and kindness…
manifest on this world…

You matter. It matters.
your raw unfiltered creative expressions matters

the ones that require no polishing in its beauty — matters

your stamp on the world matters.

your courage matters.

your vulnerability matters.

they say we are all ‘god having a human experience’.
moments like these
make a believer of me…

xoxo

her aunt

As she walked along
The water with her Aunt
Who used to be like her second mom when she was seventeen

Now older, and years since – on this rare meeting they went for a walk like they used to
–her aunt – so vibrant and beautiful and true still.. Ageless in her eyes.

She expressed her concerns about growing older and not really being all she’d wanted to be and not yet feeling her age, but for the grey specks in her hair… and reduced vision, as she laughed at her silly qualms.

And her aunt looked an her and said …
“ I know right ! – it’s like our bodies age, but our minds remain youthful”

And the woman who still felt like a girl thought – how perfect this moment is – a forever connection to circle of life things. I am so thankful for you, who helped me be who I am. I am glad I still see that love in your presence. It comforts me… more than you would ever know.

I am what I am and I am so enough. Thank you for reminding me of this. Thank you for your place in my life and for existing. My past and present interwoven.

Difficult Questions

Where had the years gone?  When would she have the body she wanted? When would they meet again? When would all the shame and worthlessness that had no origin go away?  Could she have done something differently with her time? If she had to do it all over again, would she even want to do it any differently? What happened to the wonder, the hope and the boldness she used to be?  Why was it all just so hard? When would the humiliation of being not enough for her unfulfilled dreams stop? Why did she feel so less-than without their approval?  Why did her grey roots that began as specks of wisdom she was proud of — when she was in her early thirties become such a burden?  Why did her skin feel so pervious to the very air around her?  She craved protection. She craved a kind of security she was unable to assure herself of.  What was happening? She felt lost and wounded. She wanted to rejuvenate.  To rest. To be vibrant and thriving again.