“Take it all back to have you”….

The man entered the lobby of the hotel…
outside of his office..
swerving his arms dancing as if he was an eagle..
gliding

joy on his face
it was four days before Christmas.
I stayed there overnight in a random town close to Detroit
on my way to Toronto.

I heard the catchy tune of the banjo in the background….
as he mouthed..
to no one in particular..
“take it all back, take it all back… take it all back to have you…”.

I felt his joy.
exuberant.
loving.
delight.

I thought it was a new Christmas song out that I had not heard.
I left to continue my road trip…..
with many stories behind each stop.. (for another time)
as I encircled lake Erie..
at the dawn of the winter Hurricane.

Weeks later,
waiting in line at a coffee shop
In a place very far away…
the radio plays…
“take it all back, take it all back… take it all back to have you…”.

and I see the swirling man
again in my mind’s eye
as if he was transported there

I feel the smile inside out
at the circle of life things
that make it all worthwhile.

Days later I am reminded of the connection

I then listen to the song in full
and feel such resonance
for the melody as millions of others had
behind the sparks of divinity and love
that created it…

and I know without a doubt
that every expression
of yours and of mine…

— as an instrument of the infinite

of the … most high love
and joy
and grace and beauty and kindness…
manifest on this world…

You matter. It matters.
your raw unfiltered creative expressions matters

the ones that require no polishing in its beauty — matters

your stamp on the world matters.

your courage matters.

your vulnerability matters.

they say we are all ‘god having a human experience’.
moments like these
make a believer of me…

xoxo

Forty Something

I am forty five
Curvy
With the curves in the right places
But never thin enough to satisfy

I have a master’s degree
A job that sounds important
A home
And adequate doses of family & friendships to love and be loved

I am passionate
And awake
And believe in the good, the true, the beautiful

But
I have never been married
I have no children

When the storm came
I was on the boat alone, ceilings falling in
I wondered if it was how it would end as well

The thought shook me to the core

Standing at the edge of the ocean
On the deep horizon
And the rising sun
Warming my back
I wish you were there

Tomorrow always seemed a better day
To think of you
The one I left behind

Time was timeless after all

I have known you for my whole life it seems
The idea of ‘the you’ that would meet ‘the me’
You used to visit me in my sixteen year old dreams
And my twenty, thirty and even forty year old dream

We were supposed to travel and play
And share stories
Change the world with our loving
And manifest the things
In the way only two can do

It is taking you a long time to meet me
Where did we falter?
Why the delay?
Do we even want this?

I realize
I have witnessed enough deterring examples
To sometimes get in my own way of meeting you
Lately I surmised that you are completely
Imaginary
Ephemeral
Untouchable

Are you?

Will you still view me as that sweet girl
You hoped for?
Me in this 45 year old guise
I honestly do not know where the time went.
Or why I gave up on wanting our children
Where dallying in the shallows was safer
And feeling hurt from missing you…

the nostalgia unbearable

Sometimes I become furious with the rules
That suggest I should care
That I should want the things I opted not to have
Otherwise I will be incomplete to it

Is my fury with ‘society’ and the world? Or is it really with myself?

Where is the place for a forty five year old single woman?
No kids or divorces or separations to reflect some kind
Of grown up experience?

In Jane Austen’s time they were the writers
The poets
The spinsters
Has life really changed much since then?
When it comes to the inner life of a woman striving to be enough?

I do not know the answers
I pose the questions
They keep me up at times

I recognize it is possible to be complete and whole yet know
There is something missing

Does such a woman really deserve empathy or sorrow or [yuk] pity for not fitting into the normal mold?
Or is she really an Amazon?

A resilient phoenix?

Who made these rules?
Who carves out the new ones?
It is a difficult time
My heart is unsettled
The world is changing exponentially

The storms are destroying life as I know it

I have no answers
Only more questions


“the moment I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, never knowing how foolish that was.  Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they are in each other… ”  –rumi

a Valentine story…

“Close your eyes” she said, “Now, imagine the most romantic Valentine’s Day ever.

You know….

–  the way the day greets you outside, with so much potential

         The way warmth washes over you

A sense of belonging, a worthiness in being loved

& The Passion through your veins because of it

 

The gratitude for the joy of your life – witnessed through this other person’s eyes

And an entire day to remind you of it!

 

The scent of roses, deep pinks, burnt orange  and velvety red – intoxicate you

The perfect potions, in the perfect glasses and the marriage of your favorite foods on your taste buds

 

And maybe even, you imagine this deep mind-blowing intimacy

– the way souls meld to the point of eternity & creation touching for the first time

 

And you end your day with a prayer of gratitude

As you close your eyes, rested and full of life

Hopeful and trusting –In yet another day

And for a moment all of life makes sense.”…

 

She paused… “Now slowly open your eyes

And take in where you are & observe your first thoughts

 

Perhaps your heart feels a jolt of incomplete? Whether you are single or in a relationship?

But quickly – if you just look closer – you would realize that every emotion

You just felt in your body – was as real as if it happened

 

And in truth – no other person can give that to you in exactly the way you just imagined

Off course it is possible to gain a kind of passionate joy beyond all imagination with another

But my point is – in whatever you are wishing for now —- that you can viably express or hope for

There is only one person who can absolutely give it all to you, and my dear – that person is you.

 

And no matter who shows up on your journey

And who you choose to partner with for a day or eternity

Never forget this potential

This worthiness

This most romantic day you have every power of giving to yourself

 

So release that furrow from your brow my friend

You are so loved

Don’t you see?  In fact, you are love itself?

And the more you share the love that is already you, the more it will be available in your life.”

Sunday Morning

She loved the way her pearly white
toes looked
snuggled against his alabaster thigh

As they intersected on the sofa on Sunday
Flipping through the New York Times

Sun glistening
Cherrywood floors
A week of travel

The scent of coffee in the background
Hazelnut
The real kind…

Twinkle in his eyes
letting
Her know
She was safe
And loved….

 

her aunt

As she walked along
The water with her Aunt
Who used to be like her second mom when she was seventeen

Now older, and years since – on this rare meeting they went for a walk like they used to
–her aunt – so vibrant and beautiful and true still.. Ageless in her eyes.

She expressed her concerns about growing older and not really being all she’d wanted to be and not yet feeling her age, but for the grey specks in her hair… and reduced vision, as she laughed at her silly qualms.

And her aunt looked an her and said …
“ I know right ! – it’s like our bodies age, but our minds remain youthful”

And the woman who still felt like a girl thought – how perfect this moment is – a forever connection to circle of life things. I am so thankful for you, who helped me be who I am. I am glad I still see that love in your presence. It comforts me… more than you would ever know.

I am what I am and I am so enough. Thank you for reminding me of this. Thank you for your place in my life and for existing. My past and present interwoven.